I need to clear something up.

Over this past week since my miscarriage began, my moment-to-moment life has begun to creep back towards something resembling normal.  Whether it's due to my aversion to being emotional in public or perhaps because I'm actually starting to heal, I've been able to go hours and hours without breaking down into tears or staring blankly out into space, lost in my own personal torment.  I can laugh, carry on conversations and do my job again.  I had one woman mention that I must be doing so well because I'm comforted by the fact that I will see my baby in heaven someday.

That's just not true.

I am very comforted by the fact that God did not allow our baby to be born into this world which can be so awful.  I am grateful that our baby, which miscarried because their body was not forming properly, did not need to suffer through the bodily pain of being disabled.  But ultimately, I am comforted by God Himself, not some distant future in which I will get to hold my tiny child.

I have only been in relationship with God for 11 years now, but over that time I've gotten to know His character a little.  I know that He is righteous, just, kind beyond measure and incredibly in love with this broken world that has turned it's back on Him.  I only know a little of heaven, and I know even less about my baby. 

But I know without doubt that God, the Creator and Sustainer of this world, the Lover and Redeemer, the Righteous Judge and Gracious Substitute, has not left me in this difficult time with only a faint, future comfort. 

Instead, He has given me His very self.  He is my comfort, He is the reason I can get up in the morning and not be completely devastated by the untimely death of my child.  My hope for my future did not rest in that tiny little human, and has therefore not been completely crushed by the loss of him.  My hope rests in my God, who redeems the broken parts of our lives and does not let His children alone in their troubles.  He sees our heartache, He hears our cries, and He responds with love, comfort, and Truth.

He is my comfort.

He is my Healer.

I am not there yet, but I'm on my way.